pregnant? no.

I haven't written in a while and I haven't really been motivated to do so.  Unfortunately our lives aren't very interesting and there's not too much to write about so instead of writing we did this and that I just decided not to write anything.  Until we're pregnant and have a child I might change the outline of this blog to a little more personally or self-help-ish or more the going on's in my mind.

Andy and I have been trying to get pregnant for about 7 months now.  I always thought the moment we would start trying we would get pregnant.  I have felt a huge tug on my heart to be a stay at home mom and that we would have all these kids and I really felt it to be such a God thing that I think it suddenly became more of an idol to me than a God given gift.  I think through these months of struggling to get pregnant God has been teaching me a lot of things about myself.

I am a very jealous person.  My sister and sister-in-law were both pregnant at the same time during our first months of trying.  I was jealous at their joy of being pregnant and having a new life in their lives.  I hear and I know that one of the greatest joys is seeing your newborn child and holding him or her in your arms for the first time.  I jealousy and sinfully coveted that (and unfortunately still do).  I coveted people who made announcements on Facebook that they were pregnant, even people I haven't talked to for YEARS or were traditional "Facebook" friends.  I even had to go to the extreme of cutting down my Facebook "friends" from 300+ to I think 80, because jealousy was so rampant in my life.

During this time I have read many books and listened to countless sermons on being patient and learning to be content.  I learned a lot about coveting and being jealous and having ordinary things become an idol in my life.  But being human I would change and be happy and have a different outlook for a while and then something would pop up and I would be just as angry and discontent as I was before.  I was (and sometimes still am) angry at myself, at Andy, at God, and at other people who were pregnant/having babies because I myself was not pregnant.  I've gone through countless pregnancy tests and started to take them and have no hope in a positive outcome.

I gave up wishing and hoping and praying that we would become pregnant.  I lost faith.  I would pray to God and say I don't get it! I know you want me to be a mom! You gave me this burning desire in my heart to love and care and teach children! So why haven't you blessed me with a child?!  I am still repairing this lost faith that was undeserved toward God.

I am an impatient person.  I want something and I want it now! Not later. Now. Now I have learned over and over again that to become pregnant it is a very specific time during a woman's cycle.  Why?  I mean why do people who have random one night stands get pregnant right away and why am I not pregnant now that I'm married and carefully planning and doing what we think are all the right things?  Being patient is being taught to me.  I have had many stories of people trying to 8 years. 10 years.  (I pray God does not test my patience this long) I have learned through these "horror" stories that God is still sovereign and He does bless. But sometimes His timing and our timing are two different things.

Knowing this still makes it difficult and I am still struggling to have faith.  But still I press on and give as much hope that I can muster that "this month is the month".  So keep it coming God!  Grant me with everlasting patience and contentment!

(Now you're like man I wish she would just go back to rambling about this and that and not something so personal... or at least something about Buckley)