A Buckley Post

I know I know I'm obsessed with my dog... I don't have a child so he takes the place right now.
Andy and I have been a bunch of sickies lately... The boy I nanny for was sick last week so lo and behold I was sick this week.  I took Monday through Wednesday off and just lounged on the couch all day long.  It was really nice... minus one little factor... Buckley!
Now Buckley is 22 pounds.  He's little.  He's a super little dog.  Loves to cuddle.  You would think what a wonderful companion for a sick person to be home with all day.  No.  He stole my pillows.  He stole my blanket.  He kicked and practically pushed me off the couch.  I would cough, he would groan because I woke him up.  He thinks (and knows) he's the center of our lives and can get away with just about anything.

Bonus story (you may or may not find this amusing. me? I find it amusing)...  This week and past weekend it's been in the 40's-50's.  Super nice and spring-like. On Saturday Andy was working and I took Buckley to the dog park which was absolutely PACKED.  So there's like 50-60 dogs in the big dog pen and the same in the small (we go into the big because he's too aggressive for the small).  Needless to say there are all kinds of dogs.  From beagles (like Buckley) to great danes.  Can you guess the dogs Buckley likes to play with?
No not "his" size dogs. No he likes the Saint Bernard, the Great Dane, the two huge almost Mastiff looking/ Sandlot Dogs.  Little Dog with a Big Dog Mentality for sure.  So as he was playing with one of the Mastiffs another dog came along to try to hump the Mastiff and the Mastiff was desperately trying to get away... Buckley (still playing with the enormous in comparison dog) is getting trampled and yelping.  "Well duh Buckley of course he's going to step on you because he can't even see you".  The end.  I leave you with a post that actually has pictures...

Old picture, but cute none the less.

Did I tell you for Christmas Andy and I bought ourselves a real tent, not a super small backpacking tent but a real tent?  Our living room became very small when we set it up inside... 

Alphabet Set

I forgot to show you all the presents I made for my nephews...

This is Parker's set. I still have a few more to make for Jackson...

pregnant? no.

I haven't written in a while and I haven't really been motivated to do so.  Unfortunately our lives aren't very interesting and there's not too much to write about so instead of writing we did this and that I just decided not to write anything.  Until we're pregnant and have a child I might change the outline of this blog to a little more personally or self-help-ish or more the going on's in my mind.

Andy and I have been trying to get pregnant for about 7 months now.  I always thought the moment we would start trying we would get pregnant.  I have felt a huge tug on my heart to be a stay at home mom and that we would have all these kids and I really felt it to be such a God thing that I think it suddenly became more of an idol to me than a God given gift.  I think through these months of struggling to get pregnant God has been teaching me a lot of things about myself.

I am a very jealous person.  My sister and sister-in-law were both pregnant at the same time during our first months of trying.  I was jealous at their joy of being pregnant and having a new life in their lives.  I hear and I know that one of the greatest joys is seeing your newborn child and holding him or her in your arms for the first time.  I jealousy and sinfully coveted that (and unfortunately still do).  I coveted people who made announcements on Facebook that they were pregnant, even people I haven't talked to for YEARS or were traditional "Facebook" friends.  I even had to go to the extreme of cutting down my Facebook "friends" from 300+ to I think 80, because jealousy was so rampant in my life.

During this time I have read many books and listened to countless sermons on being patient and learning to be content.  I learned a lot about coveting and being jealous and having ordinary things become an idol in my life.  But being human I would change and be happy and have a different outlook for a while and then something would pop up and I would be just as angry and discontent as I was before.  I was (and sometimes still am) angry at myself, at Andy, at God, and at other people who were pregnant/having babies because I myself was not pregnant.  I've gone through countless pregnancy tests and started to take them and have no hope in a positive outcome.

I gave up wishing and hoping and praying that we would become pregnant.  I lost faith.  I would pray to God and say I don't get it! I know you want me to be a mom! You gave me this burning desire in my heart to love and care and teach children! So why haven't you blessed me with a child?!  I am still repairing this lost faith that was undeserved toward God.

I am an impatient person.  I want something and I want it now! Not later. Now. Now I have learned over and over again that to become pregnant it is a very specific time during a woman's cycle.  Why?  I mean why do people who have random one night stands get pregnant right away and why am I not pregnant now that I'm married and carefully planning and doing what we think are all the right things?  Being patient is being taught to me.  I have had many stories of people trying to 8 years. 10 years.  (I pray God does not test my patience this long) I have learned through these "horror" stories that God is still sovereign and He does bless. But sometimes His timing and our timing are two different things.

Knowing this still makes it difficult and I am still struggling to have faith.  But still I press on and give as much hope that I can muster that "this month is the month".  So keep it coming God!  Grant me with everlasting patience and contentment!

(Now you're like man I wish she would just go back to rambling about this and that and not something so personal... or at least something about Buckley)